Crap title, GREAT book.
The premise: the FBI’s former chief international hostage negotiator (what a job title!) shares what he learned about negotiation throughout his career. These are the lessons the FBI has learned the hard way—those strategies that have been found to work when people’s lives depend on it. And these strategies work not only for hostage negotiation, but in the types of negotiations you come across throughout life: asking a boss for a raise, convincing your kids to take out the trash, haggling over the price of a car, etc.
I found a lot of valuable insights in this book. So much, that it took me a few weeks to find the time to jot down all my thoughts here, and it’ll take me even longer to internalize it all and start using it regularly. The author now runs a consulting company, so a few bits of the book felt like a marketing pitch, but the vast majority seemed like well-thought-out, actionable advice.
Some of my favorite takeaways:
Primal urges
Every person is driven by several primal urges in a negotiation:
- The need to feel safe
- The need to feel in control
- The need to be understood
Your goal in a negotiation is to gather as much information as possible to best meet these needs. Most of the items below touch on these basic needs.
Tactical empathy
- Aim for understanding. In a negotiation, try to deeply understand what other person is feeling and what’s driving them.
- You don’t need to agree (sympathy). Understanding that person is not the same as agreeing with that person or feeling sorry for them—that’s sympathy.
- You need to understand (empathy). When you can understand what’s driving someone, you’ll be far better at negotiating with them.
Mirroring
- Repeat back to the person the last thing they said, or the most important few words in their last sentence.
- Seek clarification, using voice intonation to indicate that you want them to expand on that topic.
- It gets them talking, and makes them feel heard.
- It gives you more information, so you can do a better job of negotiating.
Labeling emotions
Give names to the emotions the other person is expressing. Use the phrases:
- It seems like
- It sounds like
- It looks like
Examples:
- It sounds like this is really frustrating you
- It seems like you feel cheated
After providing the label, go silent. This prompts the other person to respond:
- They might agree: “yea, that’s exactly it!” In this case, they’ll feel heard.
- They might correct you: “I’m not frustrated, I’m…” In this case you’ll understand them better.
The book Emotional Agility also talks about labeling emotions as an effective way to better deal with your own feelings.
Backup listener
Consider having someone who joins negotiations just to listen.
- Their job is to listen between the lines while the other person talks.
- When you’re the active participant, you’ll often miss critical cues that a backup listener can spot.
The voices to use
There are three “voices” you typically want to use in a negotiation.
- Positive/playful: easygoing, good-natured, light and encouraging, relaxed and smiling. This is the voice you should use by default.
- Late-night radio DJ: A low, smooth, and calm voice that shows (a) you’re relaxed and confident because (b) you are in control.
- Direct/assertive: Similar to a drill sergeant. You very rarely use the third one.
Slow down
Most people go way too fast, but if you go too fast, the other person won’t feel like they are being heard.
Dealing with bulldogs
Strategy for dealing with a “bulldog” who tries to aggressively roll over you:
- Use your late night radio DJ voice.
- Say “sorry”: e.g., I’m sorry you’re feeling so much pressure.
- Mirror: make it clear you’re seeking clarification. The other person will repeat their message, but in different words, perhaps calmer.
- Listen silently.
- Repeat. If you do this over and over, the other person will quickly calm down.
If you are being attacked, slow down, pause, count to 10 if you have to: the goal is to let your emotions settle. Then use the previous steps and calibrated questions.
It’s not about compromise
This book recommends against compromises and “splitting the difference.”
- Compromises are lazy and avoid pain, but no one ends up getting what they really want.
- Example: the husband wants to wear black shoes and the wife wants him to wear brown shoes. The compromise solution: the husband wears one black shoe and one brown shoe. Everyone loses.
- Good solutions require stress and pain.
The only enemy is the situation
- In a negotiation, the other part is NOT your enemy.
- Not even in a hostage negotiation, let alone when negotiating salaries.
- The only enemy is the situation!
- the other person you’re negotiating with is actually your partner in navigating this situation.
Hopes and dreams
- Visualize what the other person wants out of life, and try to use those aspirations to persuade them.
- Display a passion for what that person wants and lay out a plan for getting them there.
- Draw a roadmap for how that person can achieve their dreams—change their perception of what’s possible—and you will succeed.
Calibrated questions
Take one of your demands and phrase it as a question to make it less pushy. Example:
- Instead of: “you can’t take do X…”
- Say: “what do you hope to accomplish by doing X?”
Use questions to have them solve your problems
Ask something that forces them to think through YOUR problem:
How am I supposed to know the hostage is OK?
These questions force the other person to have empathy for your situation.
Ask, how am I supposed to do that?
A particular powerful way to ask a calibrated question is to:
- Summarize the discussion so far
- Ask, “How am I supposed to do that?”
Example:
So you want me to sell this below my cost to produce it; how am I supposed to do that?
Use questions as a request for help
Example:
Can you help me figure out a way to get project X done by this deadline if project Y is also due at the same time?
Use questions to guide the conversation
- The responder will actually end up doing most of the talking, so they’ll feel like they are in control.
- They’ll also feel more committed to the solution, as they will be actively helping to come up with it!
- But you’re actually guiding them, and forcing them to see things your way.
- After all, by answering your calibrated questions, they have to make your obstacles theirs and come up with a solution—YOUR solution.
A few tips on questions
- The questions you ask must be open-ended. They can’t be yes/no questions or quick factual questions, otherwise, they’ll answer without thinking, and expect something in return.
- Don’t phrase accusations or attacks in the form of questions. Instead, guide them to think through the blockers for you.
- Use “what” and “how” more than “why.” “Why” is often accusatory, so you probably want to avoid it.
Example questions
- What makes you ask?
- What about is important to you?
- How can I help make this better for us?
- How would you like me to proceed?
- What is it that brought us into this situation?
- How can we solve the problem?
- What’s the objective / What are we trying to accomplish here?
- How am I supposed to do that?
Yes and No
Don’t be afraid of “no”
“No” is the start of a negotiation—not the end of it.
- People want the power to say “no” (autonomy). Give them that power!
- Instead of avoiding “no” at all costs, try to look for a way to get an early “no” to make the other person feel comfortable and in control.
- Could be as simple as saying, “well, do you want this project to fail?”
- Another one that can work, especially if a customer has stopped responding: “have you given up on this project?”
- Sometimes, you want to intentionally get someone to say no, just to bring them into the conversation: e.g., intentionally mislabel an emotion.
There are three types of “yes”
- The counterfeit “yes.” Someone says yes just to move the conversation along, but with no intention of carrying through with whatever they agreed to (e.g., if you push too hard or are too aggressive, people may say yes just to get you to shut up, but they’ll weasel out of it later).
- The confirmation “yes.” Someone agrees with something you said, but isn’t necessarily going to do anything about it.
- The commitment “yes.” The person intends to follow through. This is the one you want in a negotiation. You may want to aim for three such yesses to really flush out any last reservations and to get the person 100% on board.
Aim to not only get a “yes,” but also a “how”
If you just get a “yes,” but no implementation details, then you may still fail. The “how” is the implementation. Use calibrated questions to ferret out the “how”:
- How am I supposed to do that?
- How will we know we’re on track?
- How will we address things if we find we’re off track?
- How does this affect the rest of your team? How on board are the people not on this call?
- What do your colleagues see as their main challenges in this area?
Look for a “that’s right!”
If you can get them to say “that’s right!” it means you’ve finally understood them, and they know it.
- One way to get that is to present a summary of what you understand to be that person’s goals/needs/position.
- If you get it right, the person will agree—and they’ll agree with you without feeling like they are “giving in.”
- But it’s an agreement, and it makes them feel understood, which is huge.
Note that while “that’s right!” is very valuable, “you’re right” is often a disaster. It’s not about you; it’s about them and their needs.
Haggling techniques
Anchoring
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Start with extreme values. Start off the bidding (yes, you can say the first number!) with an extreme value to “anchor” the negotiation towards the range that favors you. E.g., Offer just 50% of the asking price as the first bid.
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Use ranges. You can also use ranges to your advantage, with the actual number you want at one end, and your extreme bid at the other. E.g., offer a range of 50-75% of the asking price, with your desired price being at 75%.
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Use external data. This can be even more effective if you bring up ranges from external data: e.g., “At company X they pay $YYY-$ZZZ for this role.” This way, the conversation isn’t just about you or your own greed/needs, but about market conditions.
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Use non-round numbers. Instead of offering $500, offer $512.32, as it makes it seem like you did an exact calculation, and that’s truly your ceiling.
Asymmetry
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Look for asymmetric trade-offs, such as something the other person can toss in that’s cheap for them, but highly valuable for you. In most cases, money is valued equally, so this means looking for non-monetary terms.
-
E.g., If you’re a consultant negotiating with a law firm, you might be able to get them to mention you in their next journal/publication, which is cheap for them, but incredibly valuable marketing for you.
Bidding increments
- Figure out your target price.
- Begin your bidding at around 65% of your target price.
- Go up in steps to 85%, 95%, 100%.
- The first jump seems huge, and each jump after that is smaller and smaller to make it feel like you’re approaching your absolute ceiling.
Call out the negative
List all the other person’s charges against you up front.
- Call out all their fears, grievances, and problems.
- Acknowledge them.
- Respond to them.
- Invite the other person to add to it.
- Then, listen, and don’t judge.
As the person adds other items:
- Label each negative emotion.
- Acknowledge it.
- Find a way to turn it into something positive.
Example:
It seems like you’re concerned that we’re a small, relatively unknown company, and what happens if we suddenly go out of business or get acquired? Will you be left hanging? I think this is a valid concern, but the advantage of working with a small company is that we can move much faster, and our license ensures that if we disappear, you’re going to be fine because of […]
Get the barriers that block progress into the open as soon as possible, so you can deal with them proactively.
Loss aversion
Convince the other side they have something to lose if they don’t sign (and not only something win if they do sign).
Humans are loss averse, fearing loss significantly more than valuing wins, so showing them what they lose can often be a bigger motivator than showing them what they gain.
Use calibrated questions to have them bid against themselves
- As they make counter-offers, use calibrated questions to have the person bid against themselves.
- “Thank you for your generous offer. I wish I could, but how can I do that?”
Quotes
As always, I’ve saved a few of my favorite quotes:
Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea. So don’t beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you.
‘Yes’ and ‘Maybe’ are often worthless. But ‘No’ always alters the conversation.
Negotiation is the art of letting the other side have your way.
Overall
Phew. That’s a lot of useful advice. Perhaps that’s the biggest gotcha with the book: there’s so much here that it’s hard to know how to put it all together. I guess that’s where practice comes in!
