There are some good insights in this book, mixed with a fair bit of filler around consciousness, mindfulness, and pseudo-buddhist new age fluff. The book also occasionally contradicts itself: e.g., you should take 100% responsibility for everything; but don’t blame yourself when things go wrong, as that’s toxic; you should put yourself at the center of things so you can change them; but you should also accept the world as it is.
That said, there are some gems here, which I’ve tried to capture in my notes:
Above or below the line
Above the line: open, curious, committed to learning.
Below the line: closed, defensive, committed to being right.
This book introduces 15 commitments to help you be an “above the line” (conscious) leader rather than a “below the line” unconscious leader. I captured a few of these commitments later in this review.
Commitments = results
“Commitment is a statement of what is. From our perspective, you can know your commitments by your results, not by what you say your commitments are. We are all committed. We all produce results. Conscious leaders own their commitments by owning their results.”
Commitment #1: taking radical responsibility
Above the line: “I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances of my life and for my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. I commit to supporting others to take full responsibility for their lives.”
Below the line: “I commit to blaming others and myself for what is wrong in the world. I commit to being a victim, villain, or a hero and taking more or less than 100% responsibility.”
Commitment #3: feeling all feelings
Repressing one emotion will often influence all other emotions. It’s hard to block out anger, but still feel joy; it’s hard to limit sadness, but still have sexual feelings. So when you repress an emotion, you may end up with physical, psychological, and relational problems.
The solution is to allow yourself to feel and release all your emotions. The book has a nice guide to how to properly do this (without getting stuck in a cognitive/emotive loop where you just endlessly dwell on the same emotion):
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Locate the sensation in your body. Find where you’re feeling the emotion in your body and describe it to yourself as accurately as possible.
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Breathe. Take a few gentle breaths.
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Allow, accept, or appreciate the sensation. Allowing the emotion is sufficient, but if you can go beyond that, try to accept and even appreciate the emotion.
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Match your experience with your expression. The goal isn’t just to vent to a coworker (which may get you stuck in that cognitive/emotive loop). The goal is to find an appropriate way to express the emotion, typically not with words, but sounds and movements. Ask, “if this sensation could make a sound or move, what would it sound and move like?” And then move and sound like that! When you match your expression to the emotion, you can finally release it. This might be a groan or a laugh or jumping up or down.
Emotions last at most 90 seconds—if you release them as explained above. If you instead repress or recycle the emotion, it can harden into a mood that lasts much longer.
Commitment #4: speaking candidly
Speaking candidly is a combination of 3 things:
- Truthfulness: what I say represents my reality accurately.
- Openness: I say everything I need to say.
- Awareness: I see as much as there is to see.
Speak unarguably
A useful tip on speaking candidly is to speak unarguably: phrasing things in a way that is true for you, and therefore, unarguable.
Here are three forms of unarguable communication:
- I’m having the thought that…
- I feel [sad, scared, angry, joyful, etc]
- I’m noticing a sensation of [pinching in my shoulder blades, swirling in my belly, etc]
Compare:
“That candidate isn’t skilled enough” <- highly arguable
“I’m having the though that the candidate isn’t skilled enough” <- the fact that you had this thought is not arguable. You’re just reporting it!
The clearing model
A model for clearing up issues and communicating effectively.
Person A:
- Affirm a meaningful relationship: “Bob, you and I have worked great together for years, so I want to clear this issue up.”
- Establish a time to talk: “Is now a good time to chat?”
- Lay out the facts: Present concrete facts, not judgments or opinions. “In 4 of the last 5 meetings, you showed up late…”
- Share your judgement: “From these facts, I start to imagine that you don’t care about this project…”
- Share your feelings: “This makes me fairly sad, as…”
- Share your part: “My part in this is that I didn’t explain to you how important this work really is…”
- Make a request: “The specific thing I’m looking for is…”
Person B:
- Repeat back your understanding in your own words: “What I hear you saying is…”
- Check if you understood: “Am I understanding you correctly?”
- Check if there’s more: “Is there more to this?”
Commitment #6: live in integrity
Living in integrity requires that you:
- Take 100% responsibility
- Speak authentically
- Feel feelings through to completion
- Make impeccable agreements
The first three are covered above. Impeccable agreements are the new thing here.
“Agreements can be small (“I’ll pick up a gallon of milk”) or large (“I won’t have sexual relations with anyone else”), but there is no difference from the standpoint of agreement impeccability. Energetically, failing to keep a small agreement breaks the flow of life force just as much as failing to keep a large agreement. This is not to say that all broken agreements have the same level of consequence in the world or produce the same amount of healthy shame internally, but all broken agreements break the flow of energy. Tom Peters, leadership and management expert, was correct when he said, “There is no such thing as a small breach of integrity.””
Here’s how to make impeccable agreements:
- Make clear agreements. Clear agreements require three things: (a) you should be 100% clear on who will do what and by when, (b) you want a whole body YES to each agreement, not just a vague nod where the other person doesn’t actually commit, and (c) you must track the agreements in writing.
- Keep agreements. Do what you say what you’ll do. Conscious leaders get done > 90% of their agreements, and the renegotiate or clean up the others, as per the next two points.
- Renegotiate agreements. As soon as you realize you won’t be able to keep an agreement, you need to renegotiate it with the stakeholders. This might mean changing when it gets done, or the scope of what gets done, or perhaps agreeing not to do it at all.
- Clean up broken agreements. Very rarely, you may have an agreement that you can’t keep and can’t renegotiate. Here, you must proactively find the stakeholders, sincerely apologize, and see what you can do to make it up to them.
Commitment #7: generating appreciation
The four elements of masterful appreciation:
- Sincerity. Appreciation must be real and true. If it’s not sincere, it can do more harm than good.
- Unarguable truth. Compare “That was a great report!” (arguable) with “The way you laid out the report made me feel like I had all the info I needed at my fingertips” (unarguable).
- Specificity. Vague appreciation can be misinterpreted. Be specific and clear.
- Succinct language. Don’t ramble on for ours. A sentence or two that is sincere, unarguable, and specific is most effective.
Commitment #8: thrive in your zone of genius
For every type of work that you do, pause and ask yourself:
- What sort of feedback and results do I get on this work?
- Can other people at the company do this better than me?
- How much do I enjoy doing this work?
Your zone of genius is the work where you consistently get very positive feedback and results, where you’re the best person at that type of work in the company, and it’s the kind of work you love that it doesn’t feel like work at all. You should spend as much of your time in your zone of genius as you possibly can.
Commitment #11: sourcing approval, control, and security
“Humans have three core wants: approval, control, and security. All other “wants” stem from these basic desires, whether it’s wanting success, a raise, fame, a new car, healthy children, a unified leadership team, greater profitability, or dependable coworkers. Wants come in both big and small packages, from wanting my office to be two degrees cooler right now to wanting to live a life of significance. The point of this chapter is that all wants, regardless of their size, are actually just three core wants showing up in a multitude of manifestations.”
“Most leaders and most people believe and are deeply committed to the belief that what they want (approval, control and security) is “out there.” Out-there-ness is the belief that my approval, control and security are dependent on someone or something other than myself. Put simply, I don’t have it within me and something or someone needs to give it to me. Out-there-ness leads to “if-only-ness.” If only my boss would appreciate me, then I would have the sense of approval I so desperately want.
If only I had an employment contract, I would have the security that I need. If only my child would obey me I would be in control. Unconscious leaders are in the trance of “out-there-ness” and “if-only-ness.” They are driven by them.
One thing we highly recommend for leaders who desire to wake up out of this common trance is to identify how out-there-ness and if-only-ness are showing up in their life. This can be done by simply completing this sentence over and over:
“If only ________ would ________ I would have approval/control/security.”
Rating: 4 stars
Yevgeniy Brikman
If you enjoyed this post, you may also like my books. If you need help with DevOps, reach out to me at Gruntwork.