I found the style of this book off-putting (a weird cross of pseudo-spiritual guru + self-help book), but the content is pretty good. I agree with many of the core ideas of the book, but to be honest, after reading it, I’m not sure how to apply much of what I learned! I found myself reading the examples, nodding my head, being impressed, but mostly thinking, “yup, yup, got it, it’s magic.”
That said, I read this book back-to-back with “Crucial Conversations,” and many of the ideas have a strong overlap with that book, so it was still useful.
Here are the key ideas I jotted down while reading:
The four steps to non-violent communication
- Observation: state the facts, and just the facts (not your interpretations of them). These come from your senses (sight, sound, smell, etc.). Side note: this is also step 1 in Crucial Conversations!
- Feelings: state the emotions or sensations you’re experiencing. These come from your mind. Focus on the raw feelings and not the stories or thoughts you have about them.
- Needs: express the underlying need you have. Learn to separate needs from the strategies to meet those needs.
- Request: request a specific action. Do not place demands. Use clear, positive, actionable language.
Let’s go through these step by step
Step 1: Observation
- Observation: in this step, just state the facts.
- Not evaluation: do not state your judgements.
Learn to separate the two!
Example 1:
- Evaluation: “Bob always procrastinates.”
- Observation: “Bob only studies the night before an exam.”
Example 2:
- Evaluation: “Ann is a terrible soccer player.”
- Observation: “Ann hasn’t scored a goal in three games.”
Step 2: Feelings
This step calls for feelings.
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Only your feelings. You can’t control or take responsibility for other people’s feelings, nor they yours.
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Relate your feelings to yourself.
- When you’re expressing your feelings, phrase it as, “I feel because I” rather than, “I feel because you.”
- Instead of: “I feel angry because you showed up two hours late.”
- Try: “I feel angry because I didn’t get to have a relaxing evening with someone I love.”
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Learn to separate feelings from your interpretations of them. “I’m feel like a loser” is an interpretation, whereas “I feel disappointed due to XXX” is more of a feeling.
Step 3: Needs
This step calls for understanding raw, underlying human needs.
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Needs are few and universal. E.g., The need for acceptance, connection, safety, joy, and so on. You can find the full list here.
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Learn to separate needs from judgments. For example, “you are a violent jerk” is a judgment, whereas, “my need for security isn’t being met” is the underlying need.
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Learn to separate needs from strategies that meet those needs.
- Needs never involve having a person taking an action.
- Example: “I need you to stop working late so often” is actually a strategy; the underlying need might be the need for more personal connection or affection.
- Example: “I need a big fancy car” is also a strategy; the underlying need might be the need for respect or self-expression.
Step 4: Request
This step calls for making clear, actionable requests.
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Ask for positive things, rather than telling others what not to do.
- Saying what not to do is often interpreted as criticism.
- Any time someone detects criticism, instead of focusing on the topic you were discussing, they will spend all their energy on defending themselves.
- Therefore, it’s critical to avoid criticism.
- Side note: this idea also came up in Crucial Conversations!
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Use clear, concrete, actionable language. Sometimes, it’s hard to come up with a precise action, but if you can’t come up with it, how is the other person supposed to figure it out?
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It’s a request, not a demand.
- It’s a demand if the other person doesn’t feel safe saying no.
- If the other person says no, and you guilt or punish them for it, it’s a demand.
- If the other person says no, and you empathize with them, it’s a request.
- It’s OK to try to persuade the other person to take an action, but don’t start persuading until you’ve empathized with them and deeply understand why they said no.
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Check understanding.
- To check if the person understood your request, you can ask them to repeat it back to you in their own words.
- Explain that this helps fulfill your need of not being misunderstood.
Later parts of the book
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Empathy and understanding. The later parts of the book focus a lot on empathy and deeply understanding what the other person is thinking as a key technique for communication.
- There are lots of examples of using techniques like mirroring, paraphrasing, and labeling (e.g., “you seem really upset about…”).
- This overlaps a lot with the ideas I had read earlier in Crucial Conversations and Never Split the Difference.
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Be wary of silence.
- One new idea I got is that silence is the hardest thing to connect with.
- If you remain silent and don’t outwardly react, it communicates no empathy to the other person.
- As an introvert who is often silent while thinking, this is something I’ll need to get better at.
