One of those books on communication, behavior, etiquette, and leadership that made me realize I’m a terrible human being I have a lot to learn. I’m guilty of so many of the “bad” behaviors in the book that I felt almost personally attacked. At least I’m aware of this now and can start to change.
The key argument in the book is that it’s behavior, not technical skills, that separate the great from everyone else, and this book details a number of behavioral changes you can make to be more successful. Here are some of the highlights:
Climbing the ladder
As you go higher in an organization:
- The more your success depends on making other people successful & effective rather than yourself.
- The more your suggestions become interpreted as orders.
- The more your success depends on interpersonal skills rather than technical skills.
I’ve spent my whole career trying to build up my technical skills as a software engineer and writer, but I’m becoming keenly aware that to level up further, I’m going to have to focus much more on interpersonal skills.
It is possible to try to add too much value
When someone brings up an idea:
- Your first instinct may be to critique or add to that idea.
- Sometimes, that adds value, but more often, especially if you’re in a leadership position, doing this will kill that person’s excitement and sense of ownership around that idea.
- So before critiquing, stop, and ask, “is it worth it?”
- Unless you’ve identified a show-stopping problem or come up with a game-changing addition (which is rare!), you may be better off keeping your feedback to yourself, and just encouraging the other person to run with their idea.
Also, if you think you know what someone is going to say:
- Don’t interrupt people if you already know what they are going to ask.
- Don’t tell them you’ve already heard their idea before.
- Don’t show off your knowledge by pointing out how you discovered this thing years before.
When someone brings you a new idea or asks a question, don’t use it as an opportunity to show you’re smart or knowledgeable!
A to-stop list
Most successful people need to create a “to-stop” list rather than a “to do” list, as they are already doing way too many things.
- You are “drowning in a sea of opportunity.”
- The only solution is to examine where you’re spending your time and to eliminate all but the most critical items.
Responding to feedback
The correct way to respond to ALL feedback, positive or negative, is to say, “Thank you” and NOTHING ELSE.
- Don’t judge the feedback.
- Don’t reply with a comment or snide remark.
- Don’t get into an argument.
If you do the items above, you’ll never get honest feedback again. Instead:
- Stay neutral.
- Genuinely thank the person for taking the time to share their feedback.
- Save that feedback for your own future consideration
- Move on.
If people aren’t volunteering feedback, the only valid question you can use to seek out feedback is:
- “How can I do better?”
- You can use more specific variations of this, such as, “how can I do better at X?”
This works because people are often willing to share advice on what can be done in the future, whereas they might be hesitant to critique what you did wrong in the past (especially if you’re in a position of power).
The only way to get feedback for other types of questions is to have other people ask on your behalf and to use anonymous surveys.
Gratitude
Gratitude is not a scarce or limited resource.
- Say thank you often.
- Say thank you publicly.
- Who are the 25 people that helped you most to get here in life?
- Make a list of them and review that list on a regular basis to make sure you’re thanking them often and clearly.
Apologies
If you’ve done something wrong in the past, to fix it, the first step is to apologize. Apologies have incredible power and most people don’t use them enough. The proper way to apologize is:
- Say, “I’m sorry. I will try to do better.” Don’t add anything else. Don’t make excuses. Just admit you did something wrong, apologize for it, and make it clear you’ll try to improve in the future.
- Make sure people know you’re making a change. That means that after apologizing, you need to follow up regularly to make people aware of your new behavior and see if it’s working. You’ll have to follow up many, many times before the message gets through at all.
Attention
When you’re talking to someone, devote your entire attention to them.
- This sort of active listening requires a lot of energy, but is incredibly powerful.
- Bill Clinton was known for making people he talked to feel like they were the only person in the room—maybe even the only person in the world.
- He had the ability to, “brag about you to you.”
- That ability can get you pretty far.
You’re not managing you
As a manager, you need to remember that you’re not managing you. That is, the golden rule doesn’t always apply, as treating people the way you’d want to be treated does not work since:
- Not everyone wants to be treated the same way.
- Due to a power imbalance, employees can’t possibly treat you the same way.
Example: you might love to come to a decision through vigorous debate, but:
- Not everyone likes to make decisions that way.
- If you’re in a leadership position, it’s not a fair fight, as due to the power imbalance, subordinates won’t be able to argue with you at the same level.
You don’t have to change who you are
Making changes like the ones described in this book doesn’t mean you’re changing your whole personality or who you are. Tweaking small traits and behaviors can have a profound impact and no one will think lesser of you for making these changes.
You will never not be busy.
Stop waiting for the time when “things will be less crazy.” Instead, start making changes right now.
