Review: How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes

Research shows that 85% of success in life is directly due to communication skills. I am terrible at small talk, networking, and connecting with new people, so I found this book to be a gold mine of advice on communication. Just hours after starting the book, I was already using some of the “92 tips” in my conversations. And even if you don’t follow or agree with the exact advice in each tip, you still get a lot of value out of reading about each one because it forces you to consciously take into account a broad range of questions about human psychology, emotions, and communication (e.g. adults have many of the same psychological needs as children, but they don’t express them as clearly). You may like Lowndes’ answers to these questions, or you may come up with your own, but either way, thinking through these issues is a valuable exercise.

The book does have a couple minor downsides. First, the intro to the book sounds like something out of an infomercial, so just plow through as quickly as you can to the list of tips. Second, the book largely focuses on how to communicate like the “big winners” (i.e. a hot-shot CEO, a popular politician, a smooth-talking actor), whereas I’d be happy with just knowing how to communicate like a “normal” person. That said, these are minor complaints, and overall, the book works as a wonderful, modern companion to “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”

Here are some of my favorite tips:

• Posture: Think of the way cirque du soleil performers enter the stage. They are light on their feet and have impeccable posture. Their body is open and controlled: no crossed arms, no fidgeting, no squirming. Try to achieve something similar. Mental technique: imagine a iron-jaw bit hanging from every doorway. As you enter, bite on to it, and let it pull your whole spine straight.

• Welcome: Consider how you would say “hi” to a small child: you’d turn your whole body to them, you’d open your arms wide, you’d let your whole face light up with a big smile, you’d give an enthusiastic “hi, it’s you!”, and then you’d give them your full attention. Do the same for every person you greet. Mental technique: when you are greeting someone, quickly imagine how you would greet an old friend you hadn’t seen for years, and do that.

• Mimicry: When talking to someone, try to match their mood, tone, and pace. Think of how a mom would calm a crying baby: she’d start cooing (“I know, I know, OK sweetie, I know”), match its tone, match its facial expressions, and then, with the two of them in sync, she can start hushing it. Similarly, matching a person’s tone and mood (if they are smiling, smile; if they are being sarcastic, be sarcastic; if they are somber, be somber) allows you to get in sync and smoothly start participating in the conversation. Another useful form of mimicry is to repeat what the person said, especially in your own words. This serves both as a way to check that you understand them (they will immediately jump in and correct you if you got anything wrong) and as a way to prevent a conversation from dying (they will add more detail, as the repetition will make them think you’re engaged in the topic and want to hear more). Also, try to use that person’s vocabulary. Everyone has their word preferences (e.g. secretary vs executive assistant; job vs gig vs profession; programmer vs developer vs software engineer vs IT) and communication is smoother if you are in sync.

• Ice breakers: Always wear a “whatzit”, which is any unusual item that can attract curiosity (e.g. a unique piece of jewelry, a funny sticker on a laptop). This makes it easy for people to start a conversation with you by asking about the “whatzit”. Similarly, to start a conversation with someone else, try to spot their own “whatzits” and ask about them. Also, studies show that what people notice the most during the first impression is not what you say (which they typically forget anyway), but your mood and emotion when you say it. Don’t worry about the exact words you use for the intro (a standard “Hi, I’m X, good to meet you” is just fine) and focus more on being positive and passionate. Don’t kick off a conversation by whining and complaining.

• Bait: Never give boring answers to standard questions like “where are you from?” or “what do you do?” or boring introductions between people. Instead, always include some “bait” that allows the person to follow-up with questions. If you just say “I’m from X” or “I do X” or “I’d like you to meet X” and the person doesn’t know anything about X, the conversation dies. Try “I’m from X, which is the only city in the world that ____” or “I do X, which you’ve probably seen at ______” or “meet X, who is the world’s greatest _____.”

• Selling: Imagine when selling you can point a spotlight. As a rule of thumb, to be successful, that spotlight should spend the vast majority of its time pointed at the buyer, a small amount of time pointed at the product, and virtually no time pointed at you. Always focus on benefits to the buyer: instead of “product X is great at Y”, try “you’ll be able to do Y if you use X”. In fact, even when not selling someone, focusing on benefits is a good idea. Instead of “I’m a security programmer at a bank”, try “I prevent people from stealing your money.”

• Preparation: Before going to a social event, you need to prepare. First, spend a few minutes reading the news just before you go; that way, you can have a small handful of items to bring up with others that are likely to be good ice breakers as they are top-of-mind for everyone. Second, try to learn the lingo and key questions of any industry you are likely to encounter. For example, if you are going to be meeting with doctors, call up a doctor friend and ask them what are the two questions doctors ask each other when they first meet. Those might be “What kind of medicine do you practice?” and “Do you have your own practice?” If you’re meeting with scuba divers, those might be “Do you do reefs or wrecks” and “Do you do day or night diving?” Try to find out what the “hot button” is in that industry too. With backend programmers, that might be “do you use NoSQL?” With doctoral students that might be “how is the job search going?”

• Focus on the person, not the object: Use the word “you” as often as possible. Instead of “Hey, nice suit!”, try “You look great!” Instead of “Project X is important”, try “You’ll see how important it is to do X”. Instead of “Can I have a day off?”, try “Can you do without me tomorrow?”. Sometimes, “we” can also be very effective for creating a sense of bonding. Instead of “Product X is terrible”, try “If we keep using X, we’re both going to be out of the job soon.”

• Complements: Always complement someone after they do a speech, performance, or other important accomplishment (especially if it’s public). It doesn’t matter if they did well or not–the honest feedback can wait until later, but immediately after they finish, AWLAYS complement them. Right after finishing a performance, the person is full of adrenaline and, just like a small child, desperately needs positive feedback. If you criticize them instead, it’ll hurt far more than it would when they are in a calm state, and while they’ll forget the details of your feedback, they will remember the pain. In other situations, a direct complement can seem like flattery, so an implied complement can be more effective. E.g. “The other day, I was trying to do X, and while I’m not nearly as good at it as Bob, I was still having a lot of fun…”

• Bloopers: When someone makes some embarrassing, minor mistake (e.g. knocks over a wine glass) during an important meeting, largely ignore it. Don’t comment on it, don’t laugh at them. There is no need to call attention to the human frailties we all share. Just let them keep going as if nothing happened (note: if something that isn’t embarrassing happens, but it does require their attention–e.g. a screaming baby or a phone call–you should acknowledge it and offer to let them handle it). Similarly, don’t make fun of people. It’s OK to poke fun at your sibling or a close friend, but getting laughs at the expense of a coworker or someone you just met can cost you in the future.

• Thank you’s: Be specific. Instead of “Thanks”, try “Thank you for how quickly you handled X.”

I’m seriously considering putting some of these tips on a cheat sheet that I can periodically reference during awkward social gatherings…

Rating: 5 stars