Research shows that 85% of success in life is directly due to communication skills. I am terrible at small talk, networking, and connecting with new people, so I found this book to be a gold mine of advice on communication. Just hours after starting the book, I was already using some of the “92 tips” in my conversations. And even if you don’t follow or agree with the exact advice in each tip, you still get a lot of value out of reading about each one because it forces you to consciously take into account a broad range of questions about human psychology, emotions, and communication (e.g. adults have many of the same psychological needs as children, but they don’t express them as clearly). You may like Lowndes’ answers to these questions, or you may come up with your own, but either way, thinking through these issues is a valuable exercise.
The book does have a couple minor downsides. First, the intro to the book sounds like something out of an infomercial, so just plow through as quickly as you can to the list of tips. Second, the book largely focuses on how to communicate like the “big winners” (i.e. a hot-shot CEO, a popular politician, a smooth-talking actor), whereas I’d be happy with just knowing how to communicate like a “normal” person. That said, these are minor complaints, and overall, the book works as a wonderful, modern companion to How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Here are some of my favorite tips:
Posture
Think of the way cirque du soleil performers enter the stage:
- They are light on their feet and have impeccable posture.
- Their body is open and controlled.
- No crossed arms, no fidgeting, no squirming.
Try to achieve something similar.
Mental technique: Imagine an iron-jaw bit hanging from every doorway, and as you enter, bite on to it, and let it pull your whole spine straight.
Welcome
Consider how you would say “hi” to a small child. You would probably:
- Turn your whole body to them.
- Open your arms wide.
- Let your whole face light up with a big smile.
- Give an enthusiastic “hi, it’s you!”
- Give them your full attention.
Do the same for every person you greet.
Mental technique: When you are greeting someone, quickly imagine how you would greet an old friend you hadn’t seen for years, and do that.
Mimicry
When talking to someone, try to match their mood, tone, and pace. Think of how a mom would calm a crying baby:
- She’d start cooing (“I know, I know, OK sweetie, I know”).
- Match its tone.
- Match its facial expressions.
- When the two of them are in sync, she can start hushing it.
Similarly, matching a person’s tone and mood allows you to get in sync and smoothly start participating in the conversation:
- If they are smiling, smile.
- If they are being sarcastic, be sarcastic.
- If they are somber, be somber.
Another useful form of mimicry is to repeat what the person said, especially in your own words. This serves as a way to:
- Check that you understand them (they will immediately jump in and correct you if you got anything wrong).
- Prevent a conversation from dying (they will add more detail, as the repetition will make them think you’re engaged in the topic and want to hear more).
Also, try to use that person’s vocabulary. Everyone has their word preferences and communication is smoother if you are in sync. Examples:
- Secretary vs executive assistant.
- Job vs gig vs profession.
- Programmer vs developer vs software engineer vs IT.
Icebreakers
Always wear a whatzit, which is any unusual item that can attract curiosity (e.g. a unique piece of jewelry, a funny sticker on a laptop).
- This makes it easy for people to start a conversation with you by asking about the whatzit.
- Similarly, to start a conversation with someone else, try to spot their own whatzits and ask about them.
Also, studies show that what people notice the most during the first impression is not what you say (which they typically forget anyway), but your mood and emotion when you say it.
- Don’t worry about the exact words you use for the intro: a standard “Hi, I’m X, good to meet you” is just fine.
- Focus more on being positive and passionate.
- Don’t kick off a conversation by whining and complaining.
Bait
Never give boring answers to standard questions like “where are you from?” or “what do you do?” or boring introductions between people. Instead, always include some bait that allows the person to follow-up with questions.
Example 1:
- No bait: “I’m from X.”
- With bait: “I’m from X, which is the only city in the world that ____…”
Example 2:
- No bait: “I do X for a living.”
- With bait: “I do X for a living, which you’ve probably seen at ______…”
Example 3:
- No bait: “I’d like you to meet X.”
- With bait: “I’d like you to meet X, who is the world’s greatest _____…”
Without bait, if the person doesn’t know much about the “X” you mention, the conversation dies. With bait, they have something to latch onto to keep the conversation going.
Selling
Imagine when selling you can point a spotlight. As a rule of thumb, to be successful, that spotlight should:
- Spend the vast majority of its time pointed at the buyer.
- A small amount of time pointed at the product.
- Virtually no time pointed at you.
Always focus on benefits to the buyer:
- Instead of “product X is great at Y.”
- Try “you’ll be able to do Y if you use X.”
In fact, even when not selling someone, focusing on benefits is a good idea:
- Instead of “I’m a security programmer at a bank.”
- Try “I prevent people from stealing your money.”
Preparation
Before going to a social event, you need to prepare.
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Read the news.
- Spend a few minutes reading the news just before you go.
- That way, you can have a small handful of items to bring up with others that are likely to be good icebreakers as they are top-of-mind for everyone.
-
Learn the industry lingo.
- Try to learn the lingo and key questions of any industry you are likely to encounter.
- Call up a friend in the relevant profession and ask them what 2-3 questions they ask each other when they first meet.
- If you’re meeting with doctors, those might be “What kind of medicine do you practice?” and “Do you have your own practice?”
- If you’re meeting with scuba divers, those might be “Do you do reefs or wrecks” and “Do you do day or night diving?”
-
Learn the industry hot button topics.
- Ask your friend what the “hot button” is in that industry too.
- With backend programmers, that might be “do you use NoSQL?”
- With doctoral students that might be “how is the job search going?”
Focus on the person, not the object
Use the word “you” as often as possible.
Example 1:
- Instead of “Hey, nice suit!”
- Try “You look great!”
Example 2:
- Instead of “Project X is important.”
- Try “You’ll see how important it is to do X.”
Example 3:
- Instead of “Can I have a day off?”
- Try “Can you do without me tomorrow?”
Sometimes, “we” can also be effective for creating a sense of bonding.
Example 4:
- Instead of “Product X is terrible.”
- Try “If we keep using X, we’re both going to be out of the job soon.”
Compliments
Always compliment someone after they do a speech, performance, or other important accomplishment (especially if it’s public).
- It doesn’t matter if they did well or not.
- The honest feedback can wait until later.
- Immediately after they finish, ALWAYS compliment them.
- Right after finishing a performance, the person is full of adrenaline and, just like a small child, desperately needs positive feedback.
- If you criticize them instead, it’ll hurt far more than it would when they are in a calm state, and while they’ll forget the details of your feedback, they will remember the pain.
In some situations, a direct compliment can seem like flattery, so an implied compliment can be more effective.
Example:
“The other day, I was trying to do X, and while I’m not nearly as good at it as Bob, I was still having a lot of fun…”
Bloopers
When someone makes some embarrassing, minor mistake (e.g. knocks over a wine glass) during an important meeting, largely ignore it.
- Don’t comment on it.
- Don’t laugh at them.
- There is no need to call attention to the human frailties we all share.
- Just let them keep going as if nothing happened
Note: if something that isn’t embarrassing happens, but it does require their attention–e.g. a screaming baby or a phone call–you should acknowledge it and offer to let them handle it.
Similarly, don’t make fun of people.
- It’s OK to poke fun at your sibling or a close friend.
- However, getting laughs at the expense of a coworker or someone you just met can cost you in the future.
Thank you’s
Be specific.
- Instead of “Thanks!”
- Try “Thank you for how quickly you handled X!”
